Imagine you are subject to extreme hot or cold temperatures. What would be your reaction? It would be to pull away and find a comfortable temperature.
This is what too much or too little intimacy feels like to fearful avoidants. If it is a little bit too much, it makes them feel uncomfortable and pull away. If it is too much, it makes them feel the need to leave.
Fearful avoidants have a lower tolerance for either extremes of intimacy than secure people because they have experienced the worst of both worlds. One of their parents abandoned them physically or emotionally. The other parent overcompensated by being controlling or bulldozing their boundaries.
This led to them desiring intimacy desperately but not being able to manage boundaries such that they can have intimacy in a regulated and sustainable manner.
Once they find someone who can give them the intimacy they seek (usually another fearful avoidant that they find attractive), they go all in and lose themselves in the process. Intimacy requires time and trust to feel safe. But because they are so desperate, they are impatient and get hurt in the process.
Both parties get hurt badly.
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