What Is Emotional Availability?

Emotional availability is the ability to be intimate with your partner. Intimacy consists of two parts; emotional and physical intimacy. Emotional intimacy is the prerequisite to feel the desire for physical intimacy. 

Emotional intimacy involves working through difficult feelings that both you and your partner has.

Physical intimacy requires vulnerability from both you and your partner and is an expression of closeness.

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Emotional Intimacy 

When you feel hurt by your partner, it is easier to pretend nothing is wrong and hope you stop feeling that way eventually. Eventually, these upset feelings accumulate and become resentment. This causes you to treat your partner less and less lovingly if not resolved.

When you feel your partner is hurt by what you have done, it is easier to pretend nothing is wrong and avoid it. The problem is avoided in the short run but does not go away. Deep down this gives you anxiety because you know there is a problem and you are not sure if your partner still wants to be with you. And when your partner starts acting less lovingly due to resentment, the anxiety builds further.

Having the difficult conversations is what determines the health of the relationship. But it is tiring and painful. The question is whether both you and your partner are self-aware enough and willing to put in the effort to talk through those feelings.

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Physical Intimacy

Physical intimacy is supposed to be the reward after establishing emotional intimacy. However, because physical intimacy feels so good, people tend to bypass emotional intimacy and pursue it. 

Physical intimacy is difficult for self-aware avoidants. They need a lot more emotional intimacy than most people to feel safe enough for physical intimacy. They find it hard to trust their partner enough to be vulnerable because of past experiences.

Physical intimacy is easy for unaware avoidants as they only need a little bit of emotional intimacy to act on the desire for physical intimacy. They pursue it without considering the consequences. Perhaps they are able to bury any negative feelings so they do not feel anything.

The result of pursuing physical intimacy without emotional intimacy is a false sense of closeness. It feels good in the moment but feels empty afterwards.

Physical intimacy after establishing and maintaining emotional intimacy will feel good in the moment and even better afterwards because the feeling of closeness is real.

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Afterthoughts

It is always easy in the beginning because you feel an attraction to your partner and do not know them fully. You know you and your partner have the same core and that is enough to make it work in the short run. Due to different life experiences or preferences, eventually there will be differences which causes hurt feelings.

The health and longevity of the relationship depend on whether both parties are willing to put in the effort to resolve the hurt feelings that will continue to occur.