In the end, home is still home.
In an ideal world, I would like to build a home with someone like me. Because we would understand each other and there would be no misunderstandings or conflict.
But people like me are usually hard to find and female.
Chocolate cake is still chocolate cake but I can only have a spoonful at a time.
Intentions
I have always believed that people have good intentions and that they do what they say they will. That has put me through a lot of pain throughout years.
Why do I accept lower standards for people than what I accept for myself? I do what I say, I commit even though it is hard, I do the work if I think it is worth it.
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Capacity
Some people want everything but they only have capacity to handle one thing at a time.
In the beginning, they made me think that they really wanted to be a significant part of my life. Maybe along the way they realized what it would take or maybe they changed their mind on how significant they wanted to be. If it is rejection, it is easy to take. The problem is ambiguity.
After repeated experiences, I finally understand that ambiguity is rejection.
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Expectations
Expectations are what hurts.
Now that they have gotten what they want from me, they are on to their next project. It may not even be another person, it probably isn't. It is probably what they were focusing on before they met me. First, work. Next, hobbies. Finally, me.
I see the pattern, and I don't expect anymore.
After repeated failures to re-create home, I have learnt that it is impossible.
Even if I had intention and capacity, it would not be possible for me to provide that for two without losing myself.
The other person has to be able to carry his own weight.
Imagine you are subject to extreme hot or cold temperatures. What would be your reaction? It would be to pull away and find a comfortable temperature.
This is what too much or too little intimacy feels like to fearful avoidants. If it is a little bit too much, it makes them feel uncomfortable and pull away. If it is too much, it makes them feel the need to leave.
Fearful avoidants have a lower tolerance for either extremes of intimacy than secure people because they have experienced the worst of both worlds. One of their parents abandoned them physically or emotionally. The other parent overcompensated by being controlling or bulldozing their boundaries.
This led to them desiring intimacy desperately but not being able to manage boundaries such that they can have intimacy in a regulated and sustainable manner.
Once they find someone who can give them the intimacy they seek (usually another fearful avoidant that they find attractive), they go all in and lose themselves in the process. Intimacy requires time and trust to feel safe. But because they are so desperate, they are impatient and get hurt in the process.
Both parties get hurt badly.
Emotional containment is the ability to be present with someone who feels hurt by your actions/inactions without becoming defensive, shutting down or pulling away.
It is not easy because it requires you to accept that you have hurt someone, and that you might not be good enough. It requires one to be humble and able to self-reflect.
It hurts when emotional vulnerability does not meet emotional containment.
The closer you are to a person, the more affected you are by their emotional state.
Because you care about them, everything they do or don't do affects you.
Because you know them well, you can tell how they are feeling from their actions or inactions.
You may care about them but be unable to be close to them because you cannot handle how being close with them affects you.
Sometimes you feel secure about the other person's feelings for you. You express it openly and are not afraid of whether the other person reciprocates.
Sometimes you feel insecure about the other person's feelings for you. You openly ask for reassurance or you are afraid to be vulnerable, so you act like you don't care even if you do.
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You tend to get what you give. When you act secure, the other person feels secure with you and acts accordingly. When you act insecure, the other person may or may not reassure you depending on their emotional capacity and boundaries. They may care about you but they have to put themselves first. When they have more to give, they reassure you. When they do not, they create distance.
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The more secure you become, the more stable your relationships are.
The more insecure you are, the more unstable your relationships are. Expecting someone to be consistent all the time is impossible. People are inconsistent by nature. You will be easily triggered by the other person's inconsistency and react insecurely, and this will trigger the other person. If the other person is also insecure, this will happen often and cause cascading emotional dysregulation.
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In order to overcome this, it is necessary to consider your emotional state when reacting. If it comes from an insecure place, regulating yourself before reacting will improve the outcome.
A relationship is a commitment because it is an agreement that both parties will try their best to work things out and openly tell people that they have a partner. It does not sound like a lot to ask for.
For men, it is difficult to commit because they feel that if they try and fail, it will make the "not good enough" feeling worse and their brain is protecting them from that. So they need to be very sure before they get into a relationship.
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Sex is also a commitment because it can potentially result in a lifetime commitment and lifestyle change e.g. a child. I posit that it is a bigger commitment than a relationship because of that. Sure, protection can reduce the risk of this logically, but feelings don't follow logic.
For women, it is difficult to have sex because they feel that if they do and things don't work out, it will make their "not good enough" feeling worse and their brain is protecting them from that. So they need to be very sure before they have sex.
For men, it's easier to walk away from the child and complete lifestyle change. For women, it is not. That is why women are generally more reluctant to have sex even if they desire it as well.
Having boundaries means that you are able to state and enforce your boundaries. This means that you take care of yourself before you take care of others. Having boundaries is a form of love and respect for yourself.
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When you know your boundaries but are not able to enforce them, you feel resentful. This is because you are hurting yourself in order to please someone else.
When you do not know your boundaries, you are not able to state them, let alone enforce them. You are hurting yourself without even realizing why. The other person may not even realize what you have been sacrificing.
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Why do you find it so hard to take care of yourself?
Is it because you do not love and respect yourself enough?
Is someone else more important than you are?
For better or for worse, you will find yourself undeniably drawn to someone who resembles your opposite-gender parent.
If you have a good relationship with your parent, it will be easy to find someone who makes you happy. And in turn, you make that person happy.
If you aren’t so lucky, you are set up for pain. The people you love will hurt you. Even if they love you. Especially if they love you. Just like your parent did.
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As much as you would like to make it work with your partner, both you and your partner need to realize that how you interact hurts the other person and be willing to change.
Because if both of you act on instinct, there will be moments of happiness, followed by eons of pain. Much of this pain is unintended and could have been avoided if both people are self-aware.
Chocolate cake is your favourite thing in the world and makes you feel loved and safe. You have been fantasizing and dreaming about it your whole life.
The rare opportunities you have a chance of having chocolate cake, you can’t stop yourself and gorge yourself on it.
It makes you sick but once you recover, the desire for chocolate cake returns.
After many years of having no chocolate cake, you finally have a chance to have it again. You have been fantasizing and dreaming about it for so long, you are euphoric.
Unfortunately, the chocolate cake tells you you can only smell it and maybe lick the sides.
You can’t believe it and try to convince the chocolate cake that it will feel good being eaten. But the chocolate cake doubts your intentions and instead, runs away.
You are distraught and alone again.
Emotional availability is the ability to be intimate with your partner. Intimacy consists of two parts; emotional and physical intimacy. Emotional intimacy is the prerequisite to feel the desire for physical intimacy.
Emotional intimacy involves working through difficult feelings that both you and your partner has.
Physical intimacy requires vulnerability from both you and your partner and is an expression of closeness.
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Emotional Intimacy
When you feel hurt by your partner, it is easier to pretend nothing is wrong and hope you stop feeling that way eventually. Eventually, these upset feelings accumulate and become resentment. This causes you to treat your partner less and less lovingly if not resolved.
When you feel your partner is hurt by what you have done, it is easier to pretend nothing is wrong and avoid it. The problem is avoided in the short run but does not go away. Deep down this gives you anxiety because you know there is a problem and you are not sure if your partner still wants to be with you. And when your partner starts acting less lovingly due to resentment, the anxiety builds further.
Having the difficult conversations is what determines the health of the relationship. But it is tiring and painful. The question is whether both you and your partner are self-aware enough and willing to put in the effort to talk through those feelings.
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Physical Intimacy
Physical intimacy is supposed to be the reward after establishing emotional intimacy. However, because physical intimacy feels so good, people tend to bypass emotional intimacy and pursue it.
Physical intimacy is difficult for self-aware avoidants. They need a lot more emotional intimacy than most people to feel safe enough for physical intimacy. They find it hard to trust their partner enough to be vulnerable because of past experiences.
Physical intimacy is easy for unaware avoidants as they only need a little bit of emotional intimacy to act on the desire for physical intimacy. They pursue it without considering the consequences. Perhaps they are able to bury any negative feelings so they do not feel anything.
The result of pursuing physical intimacy without emotional intimacy is a false sense of closeness. It feels good in the moment but feels empty afterwards.
Physical intimacy after establishing and maintaining emotional intimacy will feel good in the moment and even better afterwards because the feeling of closeness is real.
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Afterthoughts
It is always easy in the beginning because you feel an attraction to your partner and do not know them fully. You know you and your partner have the same core and that is enough to make it work in the short run. Due to different life experiences or preferences, eventually there will be differences which causes hurt feelings.
The health and longevity of the relationship depend on whether both parties are willing to put in the effort to resolve the hurt feelings that will continue to occur.
In movies and books, it meant possession.
In reality, anyone can leave at any time whether by choice or death.
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What if the ultimate expression of love is freedom?
What if love means letting them be free to make their choice every day?
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What if setting them free ironically makes them want to stay?
What if knowing you could lose them at any time makes you love them better?
What if what seems unstable is ironically more stable?
Why does commitment give you anxiety?
Why do you desire to spend time with loved ones and yet you regret once it is planned? Why do you feel like it is an obligation when you initiated it?
It is not that you do not enjoy their company. You do.
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Why does abandonment give you anxiety?
You are perfectly able to take care of yourself. You don’t need anyone. You even prefer to be alone most of the time.
Why is it so confusing and contradicting?
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How can you fix this Schrödinger existence?
In an ideal world, home provides unconditional love.
In reality, home was inconsistent. Sometimes, love felt like it was unconditional. Other times, love felt like it had to be earned.
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Once in a while, you meet someone who feels like home. And with the blueprint of home imprinted by your parents, you try. It starts out with the best of intentions. Along the way, you start to hurt each other. At the end, you give up.
After the repeated cycles of euphoria and despondence, you start to feel like a failure. Maybe building a home is impossible for some.
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Is it possible to change what feels like home?
Is it possible to change the blueprint of home?